just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
