Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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