People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
