There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
