i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
