did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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