i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Randomize
