haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
