He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
