im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
