Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
