Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
