i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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