heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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