You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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