if you like me you must not know who I am
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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