How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
