I got chris browned last night
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
