I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
