My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
