You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
