My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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