I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
