you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Randomize
