The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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