Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i came on her dog
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
