I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
this boner is exhausting
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
