you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
