party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
