i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
