dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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