For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
