pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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