Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
