i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
