By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Randomize
