its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
