Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Randomize
