He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
