I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
