Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
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