Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
