So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
