3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
