i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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