Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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