I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My penis needs a shock collar
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
