I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Randomize
