Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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