So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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